More scenes from an interspecies marriage

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Mum (overheard on the phone with O): So, dare I ask – is the kitchen done?

O: Uh, yeah. I’d say it’s done.

Me: Don’t lie to my mum! On Easter!

O: It’s not a lie. I mean, the only thing that really needs to be done is the grouting.

Me: Yeah!? And it took you 3 months to lay the countertop once we had it; another month to take the tiles out of the box; now the grout’s been sitting there 3 weeks.

O: I’m not worried about that one; I can do that in 2 hours.

Me: But haven’t. For 3 weeks.

O: Yeah, well, but I could.

Me: But haven’t.

Mum (on phone): So why haven’t you?

Me: Don’t ask for the narrative!

O: Well, see, there’s this one piece of tile that’s crooked. So I tried to take it out, but then I’d have to take out all the other pieces below it out to solve the problem. So the problem with that is that some might break. So then I’d have to wait till the weekend to go back to Home Depot to have the Filipino guy there cut some more pieces. And then you have to let them sit 2 days before grouting. But just the other day Faith was saying maybe it’s too much trouble and I should just leave them crooked.

Me (to mum): I warned you!

Mum (on phone): So when are you going to finish the kitchen?

O: Well, it’s actually finished, though maybe not technically.

Me: It’s NOT finished, period! The countertop is covered with butcher paper; there are saws and tiles and sealant and grout all over it; there’s hardware to be installed. If I can’t USE it, it’s not finished.

O (ignores me): Listen to her. Just 2 weeks ago she had a brunch, and I cleared off all the saws and people saw the new counter and even put food on it. So clearly you can use it.

Me: Oh. My. God.

Mum (on phone): Hee hee. I love talking to O!

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